I first started working with Michael when I had finally (here’s hoping) made the decision and the attempt to stop drinking and using drugs. I had relapsed so many times over a short period that I had become quite hopeless- my great friend and sponsor had suggested that I try to go to a therapy center as well as attend meetings, so as to try almost fortify my defense against relapse. I wasn’t too convinced I don’t think, but I signed up for two sessions a week. I met Michael for one on one sessions and in a group session- I was just about three months of so clean and sober – my father had just passed away in Ireland, for my job at the time I was actually a bartender!!! To say I was hanging on by my fingernails would be an understatement. But with Michael’s great patience and understanding, his keen awareness and really an innate desire to see someone get well, I slowly built a life free of addiction. That I’m happy to say was 25 years ago this year, I remain an active member of my AA community- I’m forever grateful to Michael for his kindness and wisdom
Dealing with drug addiction is hard for a parent, very hard. It’s extremely easy to say something inadvertently that will cause an addict to resist seeking help; and in the midst of an intervention, frustration and anxieties can boil over, causing what is meant as an act of love to become confrontational. When this happens things can go downhill; and very fast. We were lucky enough to have Michael lead the intervention with our child. He has a very calm but persuasive manner and knows how to orchestrate family contributions to best effect. He also knows when and how to interject comment on consequences of continuing drug use. Without him, our child might not be in treatment today. Michael truly is a godsend.
As most of us learn over the course of our lives, the African proverb “It takes a village to raise a child” has numerous iterations. If you, or someone you love, is struggling with addiction, you would do well to have Michael Herbert in your “village!”
Fortunately for our family, we have had Michael in our village for many years, though we’ve not felt the urgent need to call upon him for some time. But when that need arose several days ago — with no warning — he responded immediately.
As every parent knows, the trauma of a sick child — whether 5, 15, or 45 — is intense. There is no time to make measured decisions, or even know what to do, or where to turn.
Michael provides that knowledge. And his care and concern, his gentle guidance, and his years of experience with addiction begin to erase the anguish and pain almost immediately.
For the purposes of anonymity, I’ll call myself JT and on November 8, 2008, a single decision set off a chain of events that would alter the course of my life forever. But, before I tell you how a miracle from God was made manifest, let me briefly describe what it was like.
My return to active cocaine addiction after 17 years of sobriety, progressed rapidly and led to a state of utter despair and spiritual darkness. I played out the last 4 months as a full blown crack addict, living on the streets of Baltimore, MD with a $200 a day habit. My race to the bottom was fast.
With no solution, no way out and contemplating taking my life, I surrendered. Looking back on that day, I cannot take credit for that decision. I believe God intervened because he was not done with me, yet. He has a way of taking our broken pieces to give hope to those that will follow.
I met Michael Herbert the next day on November 9th, 2008. I have stated before that God provided the escape route and Michael led the way! Michael Herbert was my therapist in treatment and never allowed my addict to regain any strength. He broke down my distorted beliefs and flawed defenses that had given way to my self-destructive and anti-social behaviors. He never rushed the process and allowed my true self to emerge during the reconstruction of myself. This was accomplished through a host of unique interventions, group sessions and one-on-ones.
After a brief tumble, I will soon claim a decade of uninterrupted sobriety. My anniversary date is July 27, 2011. Additionally, the benefits of sobriety have enabled me to earn a BS in Psychology and an MBA all while raising my 11-year-old daughter as a single father. Needless to say, I will forever owe a debt of gratitude to Michael Herbert for allowing God to use him as the one holding the torch to show me the way out. And there is one more lesson that I learned from Michael. Since there is literally no way you can ever repay someone for saving your life; I have made it my passion to “Pay It Forward”!
SFR has given me a broader, more circumspect understanding of addiction and recovery and the necessary tools required to achieve successful results. Under the careful and competent guidance of Michael Herbert through weekly meetings, our family has grown in knowledge, understanding and experience in approaching our recoveries. Week by week we are united in supporting each other, finding strength and encouragement to avoid unsuccessful behavioral and thought patterns. We each have grown as we become more committed to the SFR process. It would not be possible without Michael, whose two decades of experience in leading families through the battlefield of addiction to restorative places of peace and hope.
In the first moments of meeting Michael Herbert he made feel fear, but that was, at the of the day, a gift. Because of his candor, that fear would mean that I would have to take a look at myself. His voice and his honesty is what has resonated in my life moving forward. My childhood of origin issues played a large role in forming my dependency on substances. So when someone like Michael came in and took those options away, thus began my recovery. It has been many years in the making, but my success stems very much in part from knowing that I will never be rescued. I needed to own my life and excel from there. Michael Herbert is a man that I will never forget for playing that so important role in my life. We all have a journey. And we all have a script. Michael is a valuable part of mine. I don’t even think he knows the weight of his influence. My successes in recovery have stemmed from this. I keep his message in mind and I moved forward. Now I have sponsees , and a sponsor. I have a good life. But I needed to accept who I was and where it all came from. My entitlement, my perception and my shortcomings as a result of those things. Until I could name those things I didn’t stand a chance. I love you Michael and you have a huge place in my heart.
My name is Portia, and I am an alcoholic. Those words flow so freely from me now. However, being an alcoholic in recovery, is not my only identity. It is only a part of who and what I am. I am an artist, a friend, a volunteer, a business woman, a mother, an aunt, a gardener, a woman of strong Faith, and a recovering alcoholic. Most importantly, I am ME. I am Real. I am Alive. The word, “alive” is very important, because almost 10 years ago, I felt anything but alive. I felt many things, but not “alive”. I felt shame. I felt lost. I felt sick. I felt humiliated. I felt” found out” I felt confused. I felt fear. I felt anger. Little did I know; all those feelings were about to change.
On July 29, 2004 I was admitted into treatment. My last drink was on the airplane on way to treatment. I didn’t go by choice. I had an army of people that loved me, and wanted me well. I thought they hated me. Those were the people I fought the most. The main one, my husband. So, that’s how my story really begins. Michael Herbert was my angel. I didn’t know it at the time. I got kicked out of one therapists’ group, and ended up with Michael. For the first time since landing in treatment, I felt safe. I felt understood. I felt challenged. I felt believed in. I felt heard. Before I met Michael, I NEVER felt heard. I had lost my own voice and allowed others to dictate my life.
Michael taught me boundaries. He showed me in a tough but loving way that I mattered. He pushed me, and at times I didn’t think I could go on. He pushed me more. What I loved about Michael Herbert is that he” gets it”. I remember when I first saw him, I thought inside, ” Dear God, please don’t let HIM be my therapist” for those that have never met Michael, he is a man of great presence and stature. I am only 5 feet tall. However, he is a gentle giant. He is a man of empathy. He gets it. Michael Herbert is the foundation for the life I am living today. I am almost 10 years clean. I have been so blessed. I am pursuing avenues that I never dreamed possible.
I celebrate 31 years of marriage next month. My son is about to graduate from college, and we have an awesome relationship. My recovery comes first, and I surround myself with other healthy women in A.A. I continue to refer everyone I know that is struggling to Michael. He has helped so many of my friends and my friends’ children. Michael Herbert is my angel, my foundation that gave me the strength, the courage and wisdom to be who I am today. Myself. I will always be forever grateful.
Michael Herbert is an extraordinary person. We first met Michael when our son was in recovery in south Florida. His powerful voice, clear insight and direction, and compassionate spirit, helped draw our son to Michael and into forming a level of respect and trust that subsequently saved his life. Our son relapsed after his first attempt at recovery. But because Michael had remained in his and our lives, Michael was able to see when our son hit bottom and to reach out and say “it’s time.” What he meant was that he would fly over a thousand miles and spend a weekend with our son – talking our son through the process necessary for our son to conclude he needed to return to recovery. Michael’s intervention was just in time. The way he handled the process was remarkable. Michael spent days helping our son to see his situation and to make the right choices for himself. In the end our son was able to choose recovery. There is no one else – no one – who could have helped our son as Michael did. This month our son celebrates 16 months clean and sober. Michael remains in our lives to this day.
This should probably be titled lifetime of crisis at least for me and my lifetime. I was born into an alcoholic family and have lived surrounded by this disease for 61 years before I finally received help. My grandmother, father, and brother were all alcoholics, my two sons were heroin addicts and then we realized that my husband of 40 years was an alcoholic. I have been a really good enabler, so good I should probably win a prize. I spent years trying to fix, stop or cure everyone and really lost touch or never really found out who I really am. It was after 20 years of some of the finest treatment centers, Psychologists, Psychiatrists and programs in the country to fix my two sons and brother that I finally found what could truly help. The answer was not to fix everyone else but to fix me.
I wonder now why I was so resistant to this process but I was so sure that the problem was with everyone else and my role was to fix them. There was absolutely no way that I had a problem other than possibly needing a little encouragement and support, which I managed to get from my mother and sister. I was the backbone of the family, I took care of everyone and my whole purpose in life was to make everyone okay. They all had problems and I was so sure I knew exactly what they needed to do to fix their problem, if they would only do what I told them to do. How could I possibly need help?
It took me 61 years of total frustration, tears, sleepless nights, anxiety, depression and you name it to finally reach out and get help. I knew where to reach, I just had to be at a point that I would listen and accept what was going to be said. The answer was a therapist named Michael Herbert. I met Michael several years earlier and found him to be brutally honest and so in tune with the disease of addiction. I obviously was not ready to accept and hear everything earlier but when I was I knew where to turn. My sons attended the finest treatment centers, psychiatrists, psychologists and programs the country has to offer but in 20 years of this process I only found one person that really seemed to have the knowledge to understand and help.
Through Michael Herbert’s Family Guide Program, I have begun the process. I speak with Michael once a week and receive the direction and guidance to help me recover from the disease of addiction. I do not always like what I hear or what he expects of me but after all these years I realize that if I want help I have to do these things, like it or not. I was extremely resistant to attending Al-Anon meetings. I was too busy, I’ve had a business to run, a house I was remodeling. Why did I need Al-Anon? I’m not an alcoholic. I had been to a couple of meetings and was convinced that those were not for me. But in working with Michael, he encouraged me to attend at least 8 different meetings to find ones that were right for me. Very reluctantly I did as I was told. After the 4th meeting I could see why I needed these meetings and realized I may not like them all every single time but most of the time I receive so much insight, support and strength that encourages me to work on myself. I am seeing tremendous results in my serenity, acceptance and direction in life. I have a long way to go but can now see how the process works and how it spreads to those in my life that are also affected.
I came to Structured Family Recovery (SFR) after many years of trying to “fix” my daughter’s addiction to heroin. After being in and out of the Al Anon rooms but never really embracing it, I was brought to my knees when Gabriella was found unresponsive and we received THAT call – she was in a coma and there was little hope. Two weeks later she woke, a miracle – speaking reading and writing a little but there was significant brain injury. After 5 months of intensive inpatient therapy for her brain and physical health she came home for continued rehabilitative care. We knew that there was a danger that she would use again but we hoped that she would be in a doctor’s care by that time. And then she used heroin again within 2 days of being home and landed in the hospital with an infection. It was there that we staged an intervention and Gabble ended up in a Florida addiction treatment program. At an intensive family weekend program through the rehab program, another miracle occurred and we met an angel – Michael Herbert. He suggested that my husband and I and perhaps Gabble’s siblings begin a 48-week journey of Structured Family Recovery. It was the hope that we as a family could heal individually through the 12-step family based program as well as together as a healthy family organism. Gabble’s twin, Ari, agreed to join our weekly discussions. We began to really communicate and relate as a family and grew closer speaking with more authenticity and clarity than ever before. Each week I felt as if another window had opened to my soul and to truth and we learned a new vocabulary. I began to rediscover myself – I have a different relationship with myself and with my friends and family now even though the challenges remain. I am a different person than I was last year and I have been able to use this program to help with most every challenge and triumph independent of my daughter’s addiction. SFR has helped me get back to the business of living MY life and not “waiting” for the perfect moment to begin. I love this program and I love getting to know myself again. We were so happy with Michael’s guidance that we have decided to continue to work with him beyond the SFR timeframe.
When we first realized our son was struggling with addiction we thought we could make him stop. We threw every resource we had at the problem – time, energy, money etc. but nothing seemed to help. Michael and the Structured Family Recovery program helped us realize what we were doing to help our son wasn’t always helpful. We were as affected by the disease of addiction as our son was. We needed a solution. Structured Family Recovery has helped us develop the skills to address addiction and move into recovery. When our son stumbles we’re able to be supportive. When we stumble we have a program and support to help us. Relapse is not required. Michael’s ongoing guidance and feedback has given us strength to recover ourselves. We value the clarity and insights we’ve learned. We continue to grow as we practice what we’ve learned.
I participated in Structured Family Recovery. With me was my ex-husband, his wife and my eldest daughter. We engaged in SFR for just over a year with Michael. I used to hear the closing statement “if we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through”. I was surprised when this actually started to become true. Our family has two sons; 24 and 22 years old who have mainly used marijuana and alcohol for the past six years. This has included three rehabs for the youngest, and three years living homeless. And abroad for the oldest; at times we wouldn’t hear from him in over a month. A lot of what I learned was that I can’t control anyone but myself. One of the most meaningful things that happened during SFR was that unknown to me, my son left his sober living house. By coincidence I had gone to a Nar-anon meeting where the owner of the sober living was on a guest panel. I didn’t ask a question during the meeting as I had “that feeling that something wasn’t right”. When I talked to him at the end, he confirmed that he had been texted by the house manager during the meeting. He let me know that my son had announced he was leaving that night. I thought I would be smart, so I texted my son to say “guess who is speaking at my meeting tonight”. He was immediately defensive, and angry at me. When I proudly told our SFR a few days later that I had found out, and then cleverly texted my son. Michael asked what my son’s response was and what would have happened if I hadn’t texted him? (yep, Michael doesn’t let you off with much!) I realized that my son would not have been super defensive towards me. I would have found out sooner or later anyway, and I would have avoided a lot of anger. These days, I think he has left another sober living, he knows we will support him if he is in recovery., In the meantime, I’m not trying to figure out what is going on. We will allow him the dignity of working things out by himself.
I am also learning that when something negative happens with our loved ones we don’t have to handle it, manage it or control it. These times when I am tempted to relapse in my own recovery, I contact my sponsor or other friends in recovery. I do more readings, I am grateful, I try to take better care of myself, and I step up the number of meetings I go to. I know when we do that “we will intuitively know how to handle situations that used to baffle us” (closing statement 11). I have learned that even in a divorced family like mine, we can leave the past behind, and work as a team for the good of the whole family. SFR has brought healing to my family in a way that I would never have thought possible. We have decided to continue SFR amongst ourselves and will start going through the book again next week. SFR made a huge difference to our family. Thank you recoveryguide.net
