The scariest thing I have done in my life was to jump off a board in a ropes class. I watched three others do it before me. I said there will be some fear but I can do it. I realized that it was this fear that had been holding me back, fear of things I saw others do, things that intellectually did not seem to be that difficult. The thing I think about mostly is revealing my self to others. Most people just seem authentically themselves, but I keep secrets that I’m afraid to share, I’m afraid to open up.
So I climbed the ladder and the fist 3 steps brought on the fear as the ladder was wobbly and when I got to the top I wondered if I’d be able to do it, just a thought and I kept going. There I was now grabbing on to the pins on the telephone pole and wondering if I had the leg stretch to bring my feet to the pegs and then reach for the next on the pole to bring myself up. The telephone pole was wobbly but I kept climbing, reaching for the next peg. Mind you, I had a harness on and as fully supported, but I did not feel it and my fear was greater than the support offered to me.
I kept climbing to finally I reached the platform and all I had to do is reach up, hold on and secure both my feet on the platform. So that’s what I did facing the telephone pole and holding on. Very quickly I realized that as I continued to hug the pole I would never let go, so I slowly turned around with my left hand holding one of the pegs.
The group below me cheered as I made it to the top. Their cheers felt threatening to me because the expectation was that I jump next. Not just jump but dive towards a big orange ball that was about 10 feet away. I thought about jumping, then I thought about climbing back down. I was afraid I might fall if I climbed back down. Yes I know I was harnessed but when you are scared like I was it overrides that reality and the only think I thought was that I would fall. I was afraid of falling, not crashing to the ground, but just falling.
I tried to muster courage and planed to jump, but then I started sweating, my legs started to shake, the crowd was coaxing me to take that leap and I was terrified, I was stuck frozen unable to let go of my fear, so I told the crowd behind me I needed silence, just for a moment. When the silence came…
I jumped.
For one second I felt terror, more fear than I had ever experienced in my life
and at that moment I realized I no longer needed to be afraid.
Does this remind you of your recovery? Your addiction? Your Struggles? Your triumphs? Post a comment and let me know how my story of the jump reminds you of your story of recovery.
